By Ruth Anne Hammond
Though we sometimes talk about unassisted movement and free play first when we are introducing people to RIE’s Educaring® Approach, the first priority is always building a warm, trust-inspiring relationship with a baby, whether one is the parent, grandparent, or unrelated caregiver. Without the foundation of knowing that they can count on their significant adults to meet their needs for food, warmth and comfort, babies cannot turn their attention fully to other learning opportunities. When a person of any age is in distress, he, she or they cannot play. A hungry child cannot play, and neither can a fearful or lonely one. So, truly, care comes first, in order to set the stage for other important learning.
At RIE, we offer a very unique set of principles that can help the adult be certain that their words and actions are truly felt as caring. The sense a baby or young child has of being loved is not just an abstract idea, but a bodily knowing. Feelings are based on physical sensations and perceptions in the moment, especially for babies, who have not had enough experience and time to build up a set of ideas. They are in their bodies, in the present. They are not yet able to project forward to the future, or back to the past; all they have, in the early weeks and months, is right now. So, if we want them to feel loved, we have to demonstrate that love in our actions in the way we touch them, talk to them, handle them. This is what we mean by “sensitive caregiving.”
As I wrote in Respecting Babies, “The physical and emotional tone set by adults during diaper changes [and other care routines] accumulates; it is the actual content of the relationship. Through these intimate shared events, the baby or toddler creates assumptions or expectations of intimate relationships and a sense of herself.”[i] She will, in these times together, be building a belief system about whether her adults like taking care of her, about whether her body is intrinsically good or not, about how much control she has over herself, and what is expected of her. The 5000+ diaper changes, the hundreds of baths, face washings, nail clippings, nose wipings to which they will be subjected before their third birthday adds up to a sense of self based on the quality of those interactions. Care routines can either be seen as tasks to be gotten through, or as opportunities to communicate our love.
What are the hallmarks of the RIE style of care? While there are guidelines for sensitive care, just remember there’s no “script.” Each encounter is slightly different from every other, due to the interplay of many factors, such as: How tired is the baby? How tired or energized are you? What is the setting – home or out? Is the baby hungry – very or a little? Not at all? (Diapering a hungry baby is harder than diapering a satisfied one; maybe the diapering can wait…but maybe not.) You get the point; a script cannot account for all the nuances. So, no script. But you can count on these guidelines to make the most of what must be done, to build cooperation and deep trust:
- Slow down. Babies do not process information as fast as we do. If we just proceed at the pace that feels “normal” to us, it will almost certainly leave the baby behind. If the baby cannot track what is happening, he or she is likely to either check out passively, or actively, becoming resistant. Either way, the baby will not feel invited to participate as a partner in his own care.
- Let the baby know what is about to happen. They need to be able to anticipate what is going to occur, if we want their cooperation. No one would like it if they were doing something they found interesting, and all the sudden a much bigger person comes and takes them away from their activity (let’s call it work), to do something else that could have waited just a few minutes until they were at a stopping place.
- Speak to the baby about every step of the process, asking for their cooperation. For instance, speaking of getting dressed for instance, show them the piece of clothing, and hold it up until they actually see it. Then say something like, ”I want to put your pants on. Can you hold up your leg?” [There are special techniques for dressing; more on that another time.] Do this for each step.
- Wait before proceeding until it won’t be a surprise. This is really the most important point (and part of slowing down). Giving time means it may take a couple of minutes longer, but so much learning happens if they are given time to perceive our intentions, process them, and respond appropriately, it’s like money in the bank of your relationship, and well worth the time. Besides, this level of cooperation may save you time in the long run.
- Don’t mind a little teasing. If you have built a cooperative expectation in the early months, as the child gains a sense of self and more mobility, he, she or they will begin to test the relationship to see how you handle the fact that they are their own person. Patience and humor will do more to build on the early trust than reprimands and sense of frustration.
- Observe as you go through all the steps to see if the pace is working for the baby, if the quality of touch gets a happy or concerned response, and how well they are understanding what you are asking of them. You don’t just blindly proceed; you watch to see how it’s going. “Oh, that tag is a little scratchy, isn’t it? We’ll cut it off before the next time, ok?” Or, “Oh, you don’t like it when the wipe is cold. I’ll warm up the next one in my hands.” Cooperation involves, at this point, an extra effort on your part of interpreting the baby’s facial expressions, sounds and movements. Later, he will be able to tell you, but for now, observation is required.
These principles can guide your spontaneous interactions as you care, so that “caregiving activities can turn into moments of pleasu.re by allowing a slow pace and interacting with your child.”[ii] We don’t have to view caregiving as time taken away from our good times with the baby. If we build good times into all the necessary moments of keeping the baby clean and well-groomed, we can feel confident that the baby feels our love, even if we can’t spend every minute of every day attending to their every action of bid for attention. Babies who can count on sensitive care when it is needed can also learn to play independently during times when they are well rested and fed, so that we can get some other necessary tasks accomplished. I’m sure you’ll find it’s a win-win all around.
[i] Hammond, R.A. (2019). Respecting babies: A guide to educaring for parents and professionals. Washington, DC: Zero to Three. P. 34.
[ii] Gerber, M. & Johnson, A. (1998). Your self-confident baby. New York: John Wiley & Sons. P. 71