Criminality in Toddlers? No Way! 11 Strategies to Help Aggressive Toddlers Calm Down

By Ruth Anne Hammond

When 19-month-old Christopher forcefully relieves his friend Tobie of a coveted toy truck, or worse, hits him, both children’s parents are likely to spring into action, with admonishments to share and be nice. It is often shocking and embarrassing to parents to see their toddlers behaving in an aggressive manner. They want to stop this behavior immediately, because this behavior in adults can lead to arrest and conviction. But because intention to commit a crime is a defining factor in prosecutions, I must argue that, in fact, there are no criminal toddlers, just dysregulated toddlers needing help from caring adults to help them handle themselves and their feelings.

As a long-time leader of toddler programs and a student of interpersonal neurobiology, I know that aggression is an important component in the evolution of the self. A child needs to learn what the extent of their personal power is, and how to wield it. Parents and teachers need to help them channel and regulate their aggressive impulses, but it would be unhealthy to try to eliminate all aggressive feelings. Aggression is a protective emotion that comes up when a person is feeling thwarted, under attack or in need of resources. 

You could say that if passivity is on one end of the continuum of personal power, and aggression is on the other end, then somewhere in the middle lies a healthy sense of agency and self-assertiveness. If we come down too hard when a toddler goes overboard in asserting themselves and we terrify them or deeply shame them for going after what they want, we may force them into a passive role that may not serve them well later in life. And if we do nothing, they may get the wrong idea about how people in civil society are expected to behave. Somewhere in the middle, however, there is a messy place that accepts mistakes and offers guidance while preserving the child’s inner sense of goodness. Helping a toddler learn to be a friend and good neighbor takes time and requires patience and optimism from their adults. 

Some parents feel proud when their little one begins putting her foot down and asserting herself, and others feel sad at the loss of the cuddly, compliant stage. Many (like me) feel some of each. And if parents are fearful of losing control, the autonomy of the child may be seen as a threat. Parents need to feel okay about letting a child assert reasonable amounts of aggression as that promotes the beginnings of autonomy. Here are 11 positive, proactive things you can do to help toddlers and young children learn to respect others needs and possessions while learning how to use their power for their own and others’ benefit:

1. Know the child’s limits of self-regulation. If you know your child has more behavior problems later in the day, for instance, don’t accept late afternoon birthday party or playdate invitations. 

2. Examine the child’s daily life and try to understand what pressures or tensions she or he is under. If possible, eliminate the stressor. If that’s not possible, see what can be changed. Perhaps it’s just the developmental stress of becoming autonomous. But aggression that persists may be a message that something is going on that the child cannot handle. Finding a way for a child to express his or her fears may lessen the need to act out. Spend extra time with the child doing simple low stress, meaningful things — like folding clothes together or sweeping the driveway.

3. Explain why a behavior is not good, like “When you pull the cat’s tail, it hurts her. I won’t let you pull it.” And then don’t. Pick up the cat and protect it, or carry it to the other room, or whatever solution makes sense in your environment. The main thing is that the child must not be able to repeat the action. If you can’t remove the cat, remove or hold the child. 

4. Don’t punish, but back up words with action. If you only stop a behavior on the 3^rd or 5^th warning, the child will learn that you don’t mean it until then, and disregard your words. Your physical presence speaks louder than yelling.

5. Give attention judiciously. Withhold attention from irritating but non-violent behaviors when you can. Behaviors that are ignored tend to disappear. However, you must be available to attend to good behaviors. Children will have attention, one way or another. From their point of view, negative attention is better than no attention.

6. Allow for acceptable outlets for displaying power or assertiveness. Inviting young children to carry around large or heavy objects or to do real work (“Can you carry this big bag to the trash with me?”) gives them the sense that they are powerful. If they sense this, they may not need to test themselves in a power struggle. 

7. Give them rough and tumble play that you keep within reasonable boundaries. Learning to up- and down-regulate their arousal takes practice, and rowdy play with dad or mom allows them to practice this. Siblings often provide this for one another. Parents can let it happen but keep an eye on it so as to assist with the down-regulation before there’s a total melt-down. However, coming back from a melt-down is also good self-regulatory practice. Rough and tumble probably shouldn’t be encouraged during the witching hour just before dinner.

8. Pick your battles and be consistent. Be flexible when the stakes are not high. But if you are working to eliminate certain behaviors, try to stick to the rule, or you will merely frustrate yourself and confuse your child.

9. When intervening, try to keep the aggression out of your own voice and body. As my mentor, Magda Gerber said, if we model gentleness only to the victim, the aggressor never learns gentleness. If we stay calm we can lead the way to their sense of calm. Calm is not synonymous with approving, however. We can express displeasure in a way that imparts manageable amounts of discomfort in the child so he will wa nt to adjust his behavior. Calm but firm is the idea.

10. Use time ins instead of time outs as a way to help the child self-regulate. Spending some positive time with you may be just what your child needed all along. (Parental attention is the sometimes scarce resource they crave most of all.)

11. Limit the child’s exposure to violent or aggressive entertainment.  Disturbing images can elicit disturbing behavior in children. They will process their upset one way or another, and often it is by acting out. 

Remember, a certain amount of aggression is normal and expectable. Patience is required. However, excessive amounts of aggression may be a message that something is out of balance in the child’s life and should be looked into. Either way, firm but loving consistency will help the child feel safe and less likely to lash out.