Unblocking Faith

By Ruth Anne Hammond

Since shelter-in-place became our new normal…in spite of having extra time and multiple reminders a day from my annoying calendar to “Write a Blog,” it’s taken me a long time to settle in to concentrate. Why has it been so hard to get started, and could my experience be relevant or useful to anyone else? Either way, here’s my analysis:

1. I’ve cut into my work time to focus on my personal well-being more than usual, spending extra time on fitness, which means more time walking in my neighborhood, and working out on my mat. These are things I intend to continue post-COVID. No guilt here; it’s a welcome change.

2. I have been spending more time on household chores than usual – deferred tidying and cleaning projects that are in my face every day now. Since three of us are now working from home, it’s more important than ever for everyone’s sanity to live and work in a relatively tidy and pleasant environment. The top of my fridge came into view as I was putting extra supplies away in a cabinet I can’t reach without a step ladder…so there went the blogging. But now the layer of dust and grime that I was able to ignore is gone. And, of course, like many people, I’m chasing expiration dates on my groceries (as my neighbor posted) and therefore cooking more, which is also a trend that it would be good to continue. But all these things are encroaching on my work hours and focus. My best friend from college calls this kind of procrastination “parallel productivity.” Embrace it if you need it.

3. Other people are doing such a great job of documenting all the wonderful things they are doing to get through this era of social distancing, working and socializing remotely, and home schooling their children for the first time. How they have time to do all those amazing projects, plus take stellar photos and write clever posts, I don’t know. Obviously, they are more together than I am. Their cheery success tends to make me feel unnecessary….

4. Distraction. Pure and simple. It’s hard to concentrate when I keep thinking of all the post-apocalyptic science fiction novels I’ve read all my life.  Brought to life. Right on my TV screen. I can’t decide if MSNBC is a blessing or a curse, but either way, it pulls at my consciousness, and sometimes I give in and turn it on. (P.S. Do not read Station 11 by Emily St. John Mandel. DO. NOT.)

5. OK. I’ve come down to the crux. I don’t want to talk about it…but the real problem is fear. What if my dearest ones get sick? What if I do? What if my mom in her retirement community gets it? Or my brother? Am I really high risk?  Wouldthe worst happen? I can’t even say the words we’re all thinking about or avoiding thinking about. No getting around it. That’s the bottom line. 

Some people are more equipped to handle big fears than others. I think I’m somewhere in the middle in this respect. But whether we feel mostly optimistic or mostly anxious, or cycle between them, we can all use support and encouragement to rise above our fears. Everyone can use a shot of hope and courage — call it faith — that everything will ultimately be okay, that life will get back to some semblance of normal soon. 

I have had a mantra going around in my head since life got so strange, though I couldn’t remember where I learned it. But when I went to church, online of course, this past weekend, the minister quoted Julian of Norwich’s prayer from medieval times during the plague, and when I heard aloud the words I’ve been pondering, I burst into tears: “All shall be well. And all shall be truly well….” This is my faith. This is the faith of my spiritual mothers.

I am grateful for the optimism of all the beautiful energy I’m seeing on Facebook, Instagram, free online concerts, and FaceTime visits with friends and family. My hope is kindled. Without resorting to denial and disengagement, I’m hereby recommitting life and joy every day…because as some other brilliant person-I-can’t-remember-who said, “A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave [person] only one.” So, whatever happens, I’ll try to skip the 999 and remain optimistic about the nature of the one….